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Miss

#Five Minute Fridays

One Word, Five Minutes
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We all have reasons we end up missing things.
Times past we ache for.
Smells, tastes, sounds associated with lovely people and hallowed memories.
Other times we end up missing because we missed the moments.
We had the moments, but we didn't catch them, hold them close, and know them for what they really were.  That kind of missing is one of nostalgic regret.  We know we could have had them but they slipped out of our hands, unnoticed because something else had our attention.
There are myriads of culprits for all of our moment missing and lost living.
We all have our own thieves.
Mine are usually a band of three.  Fear, Anxiety, and Worry.  These three come together.  They twist taut thread forming a noose that chokes out life.  They seek to do as Corrie Ten Boom says of Worry, "They empty today of it's strength."
I remember the years these three showed up and took residence within my heart.  When I think about my life before age seven it seemed so bright and filled with child joy, but like shadows that stretch out long and slate gray as the sun sinks and hours melt fear began to rob me of my childhood and become my default way of life.
This year I have been unearthing many things of the past and trying to see them for what they really were and heal from them.  It has taken me back to things I believed had nothing to do with the current issues I faced.  And yet it did.  Long ago these things cemented into place and I let compulsivity and and an overactive and anxious brain run wild with worry and fear.
During counseling as I poured over questions of the "adult child" I checked every box save two that applied to me as a child and nodded as I read descriptions of me.  The over serious child always trying to right things.  Always troubled.
When you live a life steeped in fear you live a reactionary life.  You don't make your life, your fears make you.  You make good decisions for bad reasons and you rob yourself of your beautiful life.
Fast forward to this word for today, Miss....
I felt even as a young girl that I was missing out on so much because fear followed me around. I hid it many times, but sometimes there was no hiding it and it came out much to my embarrassment.
Now, I think about the ways worry, anxiety, and fear cocktail mix to form a perfect storm that when I allow it envelopes my mind and leaves me in a mind wrestle.
And thats when I miss now...
This year has been messy, complicated, hard and there are days when I say I'm not going to try to figure it all out and I will trust Christ to and those are good days that I don't miss things.
I attend to the joy of making food with my middle girl..
I let myself laugh hard at friend's stories...
I linger over treasures my oldest girl finds outside
I hug my parents...
I get the things done I need to...
I notice the sky...
I turn off the radio and quiet myself so I'll hear the precious stories of my girls...
I do something that I love just because I need to...
I turn over the palms of my baby and try to memorize the curve of his nose...
I stop wrestling with everything I've done wrong or didn't do right and I cast anxiety on Christ.
Then I wake up to now.

This is a discipline for me.  Something I have never ever been good at.  Never, even as a tiny child.  I read recently that the overthinking mind empties us most quickly of happiness.  Yes, I believe it! I've lived that long.

We quote Philippians 4 as an anxiety anecdote.
Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!
(Isn't this true? How often is temptation squelched and worry dismissed when I take joy in Jesus now and refuse to be distracted)

Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
(In every situation that I don't understand and confuses me, If I genuinely seek God's answer instead of stepping out on my own to answer I can be sure I won't be led wrong...And thanksgiving is there again.  The necessity of it in a life that loses anxiety. )

 And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
If you fast forward down to the end of verse 9, Paul promises that the God of peace will be with those that put His teachings into practice.
Peace repeated twice.
A life that reacts to fear is emptied of peace.

The thing that most jumped out to me when I read these verses again is the promise that peace will guard our hearts.
That is something I've needed.
I've not been good at the guarding of my heart.  And in these verses I see the connection with presenting anxious thoughts to God and then letting His peace be the guard of my heart.

I've turned that idea over several times, is that is what is most wrong with me?
I've thought long about seasons of my life that I made wrong and sinful choices and noticed a theme of preceding fear and anxiety that were precursors to the downfall.  The sins and failures may not have anything to do with the fear, but before the fall was a heart that wasn't guarded by peace and that was lost in worry and distracted by fear.  A heart that wasn't trusting. And as the fear was draining me and leading to a confused mind, my joy ebbed away.  I stopped rejoicing.  The Bible says the joy of the Lord is our strength.  Lose joy and weaken.  Fill with joy and fill with faith.
A lack of peace leaving me with an unguarded heart that reacts and then worriedly leans on my own understandings that leads to serious sin and every day blunders and makes me miss today....

Today I'm not going to let my three usual suspects rob me, but for me that only happens when I consciously attend to this practice of presenting requests thankfully and then letting them slip out of my hands..
I have to.
Taking joy, being thankful, asking God, and peace.  These four will defeat my usual three any day that I let them.
I must let them win because...
I've wasted too much time
And I don't want to find myself lamenting any more missed memories, because I truly did miss them when they happened right under my nose and I was to preoccupied to notice...

Things I made sure to take long notice of lately

Squealing baby with his first up front cart ride. So excited 

Brown eyed love I got to witness this week

Beautiful Flowers to pick 

These Trees.  I look forward to them every year .  The girls used to make wreaths for their hair out of them 








Comments

  1. I'm glad I'm not the only one that wrote a melancholy post today. I'm so grateful God gives us the chance to be the Momma's that we may not have had. I'll choose with you today to rejoice in the blessings I have instead of dwelling on what I don't. Following you in the #32 spot

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  2. Somer,
    I just love the photos you posted! The flowers are so pretty and your baby and sweet girl are so beautiful. I'm with you on being the super-serious, overthinking child -- it feels as if I were always an adult! I just read a note my mother wrote of me in my baby book that at the age of 3, I went to a church gathering with her and refused to play any games! I've never changed! Games are silly to me. :) But I think God made us serious and sensitive and deep to experience him deeply, and be sensitive to the things around us that others miss, don't you think? So good to read your words again, Somer! xo

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  3. Beautiful post. Blessed to be your neighbor at Coffee for your Heart this week.

    ReplyDelete

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Five Minute Fridays
Morning

Morning seems sacred to me.  Having nocturnal children kind of robs me of the mornings I like to enjoy in silence and quiet thought.
For years I would get up at least two hours before anyone so I could just be by myself and be quiet.
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