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31 Days of Free Writes #Honor

Tears fall fresh, rivulets over her freckles.  We are just having a normal day together.  We are running errands and I'm listening to her talk.  She's helping me get out diaper bags and chase kids.  It's Sarah girl and me doing life together as usual.  But it happens.  Out of nowhere the gaping hole in her heart is opened up...Again. 
Sarah girl has known a lot pain to be so young.  Watched her mama, the only parent who staid, who cared for her die a long, painful death culminating in the bedroom she now sleeps in.  The bedroom she wants to leave.  The house she wants to forget because the walls hold within them too many memories that serrate like knives.  
We are just talking bout school and jobs and dreams and once again her mama comes up.  
A few trips around the sun have escorted her on different adventures and to different places but the wound still hurts...

We dance around the issue sometimes.  Of what is really bothering her about it all.  We talk about how much she just wants a mother as she gets her first job, has a boyfriend, graduates high school, moves into a new house...
The days merge into a few years and we are now discussing her marriage and out of state move.  And the wound still hurts..

 I'm trying to figure out the root.  Of course I know it hurts.  It's a hole that won't fill. There is anger and questions but I can't put my finger on why all these tears of guilt 
And then...

She says it.  The words somersault out.  The truth tumbles out of her mouth.
"I can't remember her.  I feel so guilty.  I can't see her face in my mind.  I've forgotten her voice."  Her dark eyes blush pink at the edges swimming with tears.
That's all this guilt.  It's the guilt of not being able to remember someone you are supposed to never forget.  
Wouldn't her mother not understand?  Wasn't it wrong to not be able to see with the mind what you saw with your eyes all your life?  

"Oh Sarah," My heart hurts knowing why she's so guilty crying, "Sarah it's ok.  You mind has blocked it out because it hurts too much.  Your heart can only take so much."  

"I just can't hear her voice anymore. I can only see her face when I look at her pictures."  She stammers.

"Sarah, it's ok. Don't you know how proud of you your mother would be?"  I ask her in the confines of the noisy car. "I know she would be." 

The mind is a funny thing?  It turns off or blocks out to keep the heart from hurting.  Focuses on the positive to shield the heart from the negative sometimes..

Fast forward a couple years and Sarah girl is a grown up.  She is married, managing her new life well, readjusting to a new state she wasn't thrilled about moving to, and getting promoted in her job.  She's getting up every day and thriving.  
We talked last night.  It had been a few months.
"I'm trying to make the most of it.  Trying to work through it.  Trying to be positive." 
I'm convinced and I'm proud of her.  
Sarah, maybe your mind can't sketch Mary Katherine's face that mirrors your own.  Maybe you can't hear the cadence of her voice.  
It' doesn't matter.
Your life honors her every day.  You've never given up.  

Sarah, I'm so proud of you. I miss you.  


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