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Break, Five Minute Fridays

Linking up with Kate at Heading Home to write about one word for five minutes...

Break

When this five letter word flashed on my screen as the word prompt I smiled wryly.  It's the summation of how I've felt, how I described myself to my husband earlier this week.
"I'm just broken right now."

Sometimes you can hold everything together (or believe you can and make everyone else believe it too)  for so long that when you finally start cracking it's like a dam that finds its outlet in a million cracks.
I remember feeling the whispers that it was coming back in the fall.  Just different issues arising to the surface of my life, one by one leaking out pain, fears, worry, or misperceptions.  Trying to plug those holes seemed impossible because it seemed that they were arising in every direction.
I remember telling a friend, "I feel very vulnerable right now."
And i remember thinking over and over, "Why now?"
I have thought many times over the last six months, "If I could, I would delete these past six months.  And set a reset.  I'd be the old smiling me.  I would so go back."
In the middle of all these feelings I moved and found out I was pregnant.  The pregnancy while a happy thing was totally not  expected by me and honestly hard for me to swallow.  I already felt so tired and all those days I spent laying on the floor by the toilet while my three kids played around me left me feeling more broken then ever.
You know that colloquialism, One Day at a Time?
Well I feel like I know those words inside and out right now.  I get the necessity of that anthem now, better than I ever have.
I've always been a dreamer and thought about the big picture.  Dreamed of what would be and I've realized during this dark season all those dreams have slowly had their lights turned out.  And I've watched me flickering dimly.  A me I can't define in any other way but broken.
A very sweet friend whispered something into my heart three months ago that I needed, "Sunrises and sunsets look the same.  But your sun is rising not setting."  I remember the hope that simple phrase lit in my heart.  A soft ember barely there, but that I want to believe.  Maybe I really needed to be broken.  For what I do not know, it feels so ...bad.  And I want to escape it.
But I'm truly hoping some wholeness will form out of it.
This same friend spoke gratitude to me for the past six months.  I said to them, "I really wish I could take these months back and be the happy and with it person I've always been."
"I know these months have been hard for you, Somer.  But I wouldn't delete them. You've helped me so much in them."  She replied.

I paused and reflected on that.  I have never listened to people as much or as deeply as I have in these six months.  Completely stripped of judgement or pride because I view myself now as one in need of great mercy myself. Broken.

Comments

  1. Yeah. There's beauty in brokenness too. Blessings to you and yours!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Now this: "Sunrises and sunsets look the same. But your sun is rising not setting." - is a beautiful quote. Loved visiting here today!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes I too know this feeling only too well. Sending love your way x

    ReplyDelete

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Morning

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